Ok gals. We seem to be having a severe issue with Brigham (4) with anxiety. Since Adam's return from Iraq (now 3 months ago), he has had a really (and I mean, REALLY) hard time anticipating typical routines like bath time, bed time, soccer, cleaning scrapes, etc. Literally, he freaks out screaming and yelling and fighting me for as long as I would last, I'm sure. I've tried prepping him verbally, but honestly I'm just sick of the FIGHT every single time. He's always fine once he's into it, it's just getting him over the anticipation, I guess.
Do/did your 4 year olds have a hard time with this? Any ideas on how to help him?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Anxiety help?
Posted by Megan at 10:28 PM
Labels: Emotional development
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3 comments:
I'm not a big *chart* person, but it might help, hang a few charts around the house (his room, kitchen, etc) not necessarily with the times of events but the order of the day typically. When it is time to brush his teeth--have him go to the chart to check what is next, and the same with other daily events. Maybe if he had some control in what was going to happen to him he wouldn't feel so anxious. Make the charts fun--not just black and white, but try to make it tailored to Brig's interests, and make it sound like something that is extra special. And be consisitant with using it, even if he shows some hesitation at first, hopefully he'll get used to it if you keep on encouraging him to use it. Just an idea--I'll be interested to see what you do.
AAAHHHH! I so dislike all the random (and not-fun) phases they go through! I swear they do these things just to wear us down!!!
We too have had challenges with some of these things...and these are some of what helped us…
Charts – We made a chart of all the daily things (some that we didn't have problems doing like eating a snack, or reading time so he could have easy successes) and other things that he was struggling with that I really needed him to work on (like brushing his teeth or going to bed.) Sometimes we'd have a small reward associated with this, and at least it made him see what was expected of him.
Choices - I also started offering him more choices in the things he was struggling with. (This is how Garrett works best...when he feels like he is in charge of something in his life!) For example, with the teeth brushing - I had 3 different toothbrushes and he got to pick the one he wanted to use each time (yea, it clutters up the bathroom, but if it helped me get my kids teeth clean, so be it!!!) Or, I’d keep a special toothbrush down in my bathroom that he’d get the privilege of brushing downstairs sometimes...just to spice it up a little! :) Bath time... I'd let him pick out a toy from the toy room to take into the bath with him. (of course, I had final say in the toy selection – no puzzles or stuffed animals...and it was usually the random kids meal toys that got the spa treatment! Nice, huh? Then you can have a good reason to toss them out after a few baths!!!) This helped a ton though 'cause he was excited for something new to play with! Cleaning scrapes is still a hard one for us because they are in pain and not thinking clearly, but in the past I've offered different band-aids that he could choose from. That seemed to help sometimes. The whole bedtime thing is tricky too...but what finally worked with us was to sit down and make a plan (he's a very planned kid!) about what he needed to do and we decided together that if he could quickly get in bed before a certain time, he could have the privilege of having his light on to read books until that certain time came...so if he struggled a bunch and wasted time, he has less time to look at his books, but if he’d go through his routines quickly, he’d have lots of time. This works great (usually!) because it really made him realize that it was up to him...it wasn’t just mean mom telling him to turn out his lights for no reason!
Staying Cool – I had to focus on myself...I know I was causing some of the problems because I added my anxiety into the mix just gearing up to fight one more battle! (though you are a much more patient and calm person than I am anyway, and I know you’re already a pro at this!) But, I also started to just walk away. We talked about how we treat people...and that mommy doesn’t like being yelled and not listened to and that it doesn’t make him happy just to yell and throw fits. So, if he started to throw a fit, I would just leave the room and tell him to come find me when he was ready to talk about it calmly. This put it in his terms, and though it made our mornings so much longer in waiting for him to take his bath or brush his teeth or whatever it was he was getting all worked up over, it usually worked where he’d finally get do it of his own free will! I even do this with the bumps and scrapes (mean, huh?)...after I’d make sure he was okay and going to live...but when he was still screaming just to scream, I’d just tell him to come get me when he was ready for the band aid or a hug. :)
Anyway, I don’t know if this helps...but good luck! And, sorry this is so long and scattered!
Good luck!! I'm more of a tough love kind of mom. If they fight me at bedtime, then they don't get stories (which they love). If they fought me after stories then we didn't talk about our day while they were in bed. If the boys fought me on baths then they didn't get one, consequently they didn't get to watch a show after baths (we usually have a 20 minute show, mostly so I can comb out Cilisia's hair, and to give them a reason to get out of the bathtub). Jachin didn't let me put a band aid on scrapes until he was almost 4. He would have blood running down his legs but the band aid was worse than the original injury.
My answer to your question is, I don't know, but don't let it be a battle. Is it that important that he take a bath one night? Is it that important if he doesn't brush his teeth for one night, or a week? I'm pretty much a stickler for bed, but the no stories threat is enough for my boys to calm down. But there have been times that I have put their pjs on while kicking and screaming (with Jamin's help of course), turning off the light, closing the door and let them stay there until they fall asleep.
Good luck!!
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